you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My bed smells like the plague
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize