When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
