God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Randomize
