When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
