No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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