3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
