I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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