I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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