i don't plan on having that self control this summer
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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