Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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