i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
