Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
