I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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