there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
