This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
