two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
