it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize