I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
