omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
