LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
