the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize