Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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