You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize