I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize