I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
