i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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