Where did you get a picture of my penis
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
