Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Randomize
