perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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