I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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