life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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