Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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