I'll bet she douches with gravy.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
