He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
porn star boner night. come get it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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