U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Randomize
