We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize