So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
