Moan for me like Helen Keller
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
where are my eyebrows?
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