you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
