Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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