there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
