What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
