you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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