she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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