We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
