you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
