Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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