how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
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