Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
did i just pee glitter
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
