I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
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