I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
