Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
