I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
