I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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