dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
