I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
