the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
