Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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