i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
