I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
