Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
