I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
