I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
