He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
