there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
