hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
